I punched a guy in the back and almost drove off a cliff

You know how everyone has these “PARTS” to them. Or you could say “SIDES”… like Jeckyll & Hyde. You can be nice one minute and then something triggers you and all of a sudden you turn into a nasty sphincter of a human.

I can relate.

Now, I’m typically pretty kind but there’s this competitive, justice-craving asshole part of me that seems to poke his head out at times… especially when I play soccer. I remember how, several years ago, playing against this team we had played many times before, this guy pushed me from behind as I was going up for a header and it tweaked my neck. I was instantly FURIOUS. Injustice. And nobody saw it! I started complaining to the ref who wasn’t going to do anything so I confronted this dirty back-pusher as he defended himself saying, “I didn’t touch you!” Oh man.

Apparently when you get angry all of the blood leaves your prefrontal cortex which means that your ability to think rationally or logically leaves your body like a fart. Or at least it moves to different parts of your body (I’ve heard it rushes to your hands and feet which would affirm the “Fight or Flight” reaction). Essentially, in this state, you’re acting like a grumpy poopy-pants toddler. No filter. No logic. Just rage.

That was me.

With an overwhelming sense of powerlessness, I walked right up to this guy and, looking at him from about 8” from his noggin, I said, “Look me straight in the eye and tell me you didn’t touch me… DON’T LIE TO ME!” To which he innocently and calmly responded with his hands in the air, “I didn’t touch you” as he turned away walking towards his side of the field.

I wound up and punched him right in the back. Maybe even his spine. Aaaaaaggggghhhh. I was SO mad. And yes, I got a well-deserved red card (thrown out of the game). As I walked sheepishly to the bench, all of my teammates were confused and surprised by my violent reaction asking me questions like, “Dude, Neek, you’re normally the nicest guy on the field… what the F**K are you doing?”

Different parts. We all have them. And what can be confusing is to answer the question of WHO IS THE REAL YOU?

This can be a real doozie because that “PART” of me was real. It IS real. It’s possible to react a certain way that is unreasonable, illogical, unkind. An asshole.

Left unchecked, these parts of us can do some incredible damage. Luckly I didn’t go and slash that guy’s tires or destroy his whole family… I left it at a casual spine hammer.

Right around this same time, I remember another little “nudge” I had when I was working through an incredibly painful divorce… trying to keep my marriage together while protecting my kids… it was the most brutally painful time in my life. I was ripping on my motorbike down Westside Road (a gorgeously tight, windy road on a massive bank overlooking the lake). I was going fast enough to have my bike impounded and working through the frustration and sense of helplessness I felt. Desperation. I was screaming and crying into my helmet… praying… looking for some kind of solace. Speeding helped.

But I had a thought… “What if I just cranked my handlebars to the right and sent it off of this massive embankment… it would all be over… my kids lost their mama a few years ago and they are resilient… they are good without their mama…. they would be good without me as well.”

And then I realized where all of this pain had driven me to. Well, that sounds like I’m not taking ownership… I ALLOWED this part of me… the pain… to control my thoughts.

***DISCLAIMER: I am not suicidal… but there have been moments like this where I’ve fantasized about what it would be like to end everything.

One thing I find myself saying a lot (to clients, friends, and myself) is, “OK, you have NO control over what people do or say… or how they may try to cause damage… you only have control of YOU. What do YOU have the power to do in this situation?”

Luckily, some of the blood rushed back into my prefrontal cortex and I was able to bounce back from the tempting thought of pulling a tragic Evel Knievel motorbike kicker into the lake. Yay for still being alive and being a dad to my kids. Neat job.

The point is, I believe that you ALWAYS have some sort of power. Choice. Your response is what you are responsible for. And yes, there are certain extreme situations where people have very few options or power but I’m talking about the everyday stuff that most of us encounter… that boss / spouse / kid / person that just makes you want to flip a truck.

 

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I just saw this interview where an experienced brain surgeon who also has a Phd in neuroscience was asked, “What’s the #1 skill humans should learn to master?” His answer… “EMOTIONAL REGULATION”. Because if we let these triggers have power over us, it can take you away from LOVE and from your MISSION.

So, how do you overcome this deep drive to react like a thumb-sucking idiot?

One trick I have noticed that works for myself (and my clients) is to first of all, take a little breath. THEN, remind yourself of who you are. Get some perspective of what’s happening and do a deep dive on exploring a different perspective. The bird’s eye view.

Where CAN you find power?

What DO you have choice with?

What CAN you do (instead of staying stuck in the land of “Ah man, I’m just totally a victim and am helpless”)?

You can always do SOMETHING.

But this work, of reminding yourself of who you are, is CLUTCH. And sometimes we need help. Sometimes I need to be reminded of who I am. My core. My purpose. My mission.

Which is why I came up with 3 “LIFE WORDS” for myself which I wood burned into a piece of cedar that hangs in my kitchen.

GENEROUS. NO BULLSHIT. BRAVE.

These are my 3.

So when someone pisses me off, or hurts me, or lies to me, I come back to this gentle little reminder and I talk to myself… “OK Neek, what does it look like to respond to this situation or this douche-canoe with bravery, generosity, and a determination to not invite or tolerate any bullshit?”

From THAT perspective, it’s been almost miraculous how applying this filter has helped me regulate and give me options. Choices.

One of my counsellors taught me that it’s completely useless to just sit around and HOPE that people will change or do things differently. There’s no power in that. You have to convert your “wishing” or “hoping” into a goal. Something that you can DO. What is POSSIBLE? What is in YOUR CONTROL? What’s working? What is NOT working?

I think this is why journaling can be such a life-giving exercise… to help remind you of what you were certain of. To bring you back to being that calm, curious, clear, compassionate, creative, confident, courageous, connected sweet human that you are.

So, my friend, may you find the strength and courage to know who you are… or at least to remind yourself of it today… regardless of how any simpleton in your world is treating you.