relationships

Song & Rants #17 | Finding hope & a song for Ingrid “Seven”

December 7, 2021 by Nico Leave a Comment

When you think about those wild little moments in your life that inspired you to make those big decisions, what was happening in your heart? And what led you to those moments? And when do you think the next one will happen?

I sing a song I wrote for my Ingrid (my late wife) for our 7 year anniversary called “Seven”. It was a major moment in our relationship that shifted us into having more hope with and for each other.

If you’re looking to make some changes in your life or wondering what it might take, reach out to me to see if having some life coaching together might be a good fit.

Book a FREE 20 minute “Chemistry Call” online HERE

Finding the perfect catch

July 28, 2021 by Nico Leave a Comment

Breakups sure suck. But at least they get you to do some serious personal inventory and figure out what you really want… or DON’T want. Did I mention how bad breakups suck?

Recently, as I was doing some reflecting on what kind of partner I want, I was cruising through my everlasting Instagram feed and stumbled across this killer tiny home. I’m quasi addicted to scoping out creative designs for funky homes and found this killer little pad and thought, I wonder if I could use this sweet little home as a metaphor for my perfect catch… the ultimate partner. So, I did.

To give a little bit of context, I was married to my late wife for almost 17 years and got remarried / divorced shortly after… and as of 3 months ago I am a full-time empty-nester and I’m finding this lifestyle of having no kids and crazy amounts of freedom a little lonely actually. I do love my life which consists of piles of mountain biking, skateboarding, wake surfing, wicked friends, coaching, soccer, rock climbing, playing music, video production, design… and I really miss having someone to spoil. Someone to love.

I realize that having a solid, longterm, committed partner is not the answer to this gap… however, here are some of my dreams and reflections on the kind of partner I dream about. Maybe this will inspire you to do some reflection or digging into what you really want. If you’re up for the challenge, find a kickass house online that inspires you and use it as a metaphor to dream about your perfect catch.

The ultimate catch is someone who feels like home… something like this home.

LIKE THE FRONT PORCH

It’s a place of safety. Safe from the elements. Contained. Yet also looking out to the future and aware of what’s going on. I think this speaks of growth as a couple where we can learn from eachother but also learn by watching other people.

LIKE THE LIVING ROOM & KITCHEN

It’s comfy and open to laughs and hard conversations. It’s open to guests and welcome to people who are hurting and need some extra love. There are always tissues an arms reach away because that’s what we do… we are here to help release some of those poisons from the body and sometimes we are the ones with the poison that needs to be shed. It’s a place full of grace and learning and understanding and growth and belly laughs and parties and loud music and stupid dancing and inappropriate jokes and sometimes way too many adult beverages.

LIKE THE STAIRS UP TO THE BEDROOM

It’s full of creativity and constantly inspiring people. It’s setting an example for the kids. It recycles the old stuff and makes something beautiful from it. It takes the old patterns / hurts / experiences / longings and instead of burning them in the fireplace, we make stairs to new places and opportunities. We can laugh about where we were and where the boards came from. We can laugh together at our mistakes of the past and creatively make something beautiful and useful from them.

LIKE THE SWINGING BRIDGE

There is risk. There’s life. There are always new experiences and adventures and opportunities we look for. Stuff that scares us… and sometimes those times are for us to do alone (individually) with our own friends… or solo trips… but there’s no jealousy or anxiety around that. There’s a deep trust that THAT is what your person needs for that moment… and when they come back, the meal will be served so we can celebrate what happened and hear the stories (while we perhaps roll our eyes at each other).

LIKE THE BEDROOM

Intimacy… it even smells good like wood! Those walls of cedar or whatever they are. They feel safe. They create protection. It’s private. It stays here. This is where our own secrets of togetherness are created that nobody will ever know about. This is where we learn to give ourselves more and more. To trust each other with our naked bodies. It’s exciting and builds connection. It’s never used as a manipulative tool but always a place of service to the other person. There’s grace and patience and passion and adventure and ecstacy and creativity here and it is a big priority.

BONUS:
Here are a couple of articles and tips I’ve found helpful if you’re bored / interested in checking them out:

When you’re pissed at each other, USE A SOFT APPROACH (Gottman)

Take a test to see what your apology language is (there are 5).

Seek to constantly hear rather than be heard.

Are you with the right partner?

May 5, 2021 by Nico Leave a Comment

I just dug this out of my “relationship tools” file and thought it may be a helpful perspective for anyone struggling / wrestling with this question.

During a seminar, a woman asked,” How do I know if I am with the right person?” The author then noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so he said, “It depends. Is that your partner?” In all seriousness, she answered “How do you know?” Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it’s weighing on your mind replied the author. Here’s the answer.

Every relationship has a cycle… In the beginning; you fall in love with your partner.

You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies. Falling in love wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love. People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.”Picture the expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something happened TO YOU. Falling in love is a passive and spontaneous experience. But after a few months or years of being together, the euphoria of love fades. It’s a natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts. The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship; you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.

This is when relationships breakdown.

The key to succeeding in a relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the person you found. People blame their partners for their unhappiness and look outside for fulfillment. Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most common. But sometimes people turn to work, a hobby, friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances. But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship. It lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else. You could. And TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this): The key to succeeding in a Relationship is not finding the right person; it’s learning to love the Person you found.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. You have to work on it day in and day out. It takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it demands WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make it work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner), Just as there are physical laws Of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. If you know how to apply these laws, the results are predictable. Love is therefore a “decision”. Not just a feeling. Remember this always: God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let GO! ♥
CREDIT – Jepoy Pakundo